i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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