Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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