Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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