Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
