And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
God, I missed his penis.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
