WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
