i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
