fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
