Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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