took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
