do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
