woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
