If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
