i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
