When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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