It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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