my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
