I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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