I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
