I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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