You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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