you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I checked into jail on foursquare
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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