saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
