I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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