i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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