I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
