I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
