It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
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