Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
