It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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