I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
