where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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