Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
