she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
