New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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