i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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