Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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