she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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