Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
