last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
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Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize