saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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