I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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