I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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