meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
