She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
