I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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