hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
