I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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