Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
