how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
