Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
