I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just google imaged poop.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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