walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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