I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
