I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
