How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
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just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
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He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.